This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think my moral compass just broke
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
