Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
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Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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