you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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