sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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