what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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