i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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