Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
