I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
