If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
