Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
