Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
