Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
