No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
