As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
