i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
