when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
