why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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