So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
