Don't make out with my wife yet
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
