she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Randomize
