You smell like stripper and shame
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
it's like iHOP with fire
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
