you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
