exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
