She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
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I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
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Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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