I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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