So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
that's an acceptable place to lick
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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