this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
