my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
