I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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