When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
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I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
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I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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