Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
