Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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