Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
