I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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