I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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