I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize
