Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
