Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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