He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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