paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
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