My first STD was from a foam party
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
