You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
