She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
