Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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