I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
