It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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