You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
