So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
