note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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