fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
