yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
A bitchslap is in order.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
