The maid of honor just puked.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
