I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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