I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
