I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Is it penis luge time yet?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
