Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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