I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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