i just wanna soil my oats bro
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
