I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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