Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I just googled if crying burns calories
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
