when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
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What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
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And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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